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New York Times Best Seller
A Skimm Reads Pick
An NPR Best Book of 2017

From the best-selling author of Americanah and We Should All Be Feminists comes a powerful new statement about feminism today--written as a letter to a friend.


A few years ago, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie received a letter from a dear friend from childhood, asking her how to raise her baby girl as a feminist. Dear Ijeawele is Adichie's letter of response.
     Here are fifteen invaluable suggestions--compelling, direct, wryly funny, and perceptive--for how to empower a daughter to become a strong, independent woman. From encouraging her to choose a helicopter, and not only a doll, as a toy if she so desires; having open conversations with her about clothes, makeup, and sexuality; debunking the myth that women are somehow biologically arranged to be in the kitchen making dinner, and that men can "allow" women to have full careers, Dear Ijeawele goes right to the heart of sexual politics in the twenty-first century. It will start a new and urgently needed conversation about what it really means to be a woman today.
Introduction
 
When a couple of years ago a friend of mine from childhood, who’d grown into a brilliant, strong, kind woman, asked me to tell her how to raise her baby girl a feminist, my first thought was that I did not know. It felt like too huge a task. But I had spoken publicly about feminism and perhaps that made her feel I was an expert on the subject. I had over the years also helped care for many babies of loved ones; I had worked as a babysitter and helped raise my nephews and nieces. I had done a lot of watching and listening, and I had done even more thinking.
 
In response to my friend’s request, I decided to write her a letter, which I hoped would be honest and practical, while also serving as a map of sorts for my own feminist thinking. This book is a version of that letter, with some details changed.
 
Now that I, too, am the mother of a delightful baby girl, I realize how easy it is to dispense advice about raising a child when you are not facing the enormously complex reality of it yourself.
 
Still, I think it is morally urgent to have honest conversations about raising children differently, about trying to create a fairer world for women and men.
 
My friend sent me a reply saying she would “try” to follow my suggestions.
 
And in rereading these as a mother, I, too, am determined to try.
 
****
 
Dear Ijeawele,
 
What joy. And what lovely names: Chizalum Adaora. She is so beautiful. Only a week old and she already looks curious about the world. What a magnificent thing you have done, bringing a human being into the world. “Congratulations” feels too slight.
 
Your note made me cry. You know how I get foolishly emotional sometimes. Please know that I take your charge—how to raise her feminist— very seriously. And I understand what you mean by not always knowing what the feminist response to situations should be. For me, feminism is always contextual. I don’t have a set-in-stone rule; the closest I have to a formula are my two “Feminist Tools” and I want to share them with you as a starting point.
 
The first is your premise, the solid unbending belief that you start off with. What is your premise? Your feminist premise should be: I matter. I matter equally. Not “if only.” Not “as long as.” I matter equally. Full stop.
 
The second tool is a question: Can you reverse X and get the same results?
 
For example: Many people believe that a woman’s feminist response to a husband’s infidelity should be to leave. But I think staying can also be a feminist choice, depending on the context. If Chudi sleeps with another woman and you forgive him, would the same be true if you slept with another man? If the answer is yes, then your choosing to forgive him can be a feminist choice because it is not shaped by a gender inequality. Sadly, the reality in most marriages is that the answer to that question would often be no, and the reason would be gender-based—that absurd idea of “men will be men,” which means having a much lower standard for men.
 
I have some suggestions for how to raise Chizalum. But remember that you might do all the things I suggest, and she will still turn out to be different from what you hoped, because sometimes life just does its thing. What matters is that you try. And always trust your instincts above all else, because you will be guided by your love for your child. Here are my suggestions:
 
first suggestion
Be a full person. Motherhood is a glorious gift, - but do not define yourself solely by motherhood. Be a full person. Your child will benefit from that. The pioneering American journalist Marlene Sanders, who was the first woman to report from Vietnam during the war (and who was the mother of a son), once gave this piece of advice to a younger journalist: “Never apologize for working. You love what you do, and loving what you do is a great gift to give your child.”
 
I find this to be so wise and moving. You don’t even have to love your job; you can merely love what your job does for you—the confidence and self-fulfillment that come with doing and earning.
 
It doesn’t surprise me that your sister-in-law says you should be a “traditional” mother and stay home, that Chudi can afford not to have a double-income family.
 
People will selectively use “tradition” to justify anything. Tell her that a double-income family is actually the true Igbo tradition because not only did mothers farm and trade before British colonialism, trading was exclusively done by women in some parts of Igboland. She would know this if reading books were not such an alien enterprise to her. Okay, that snark was to cheer you up. I know you are annoyed— and you should be—but it is really best to ignore her. Everybody will have an opinion about what you should do, but what matters is what you want for yourself, and not what others want you to want. Please reject the idea that motherhood and work are mutually exclusive.
 
Our mothers worked full-time while we were growing up, and we turned out well—at least you did; the jury is still out on me.
 
In these coming weeks of early motherhood, be kind to yourself. Ask for help. Expect to be helped. There is no such thing as a Superwoman. Parenting is about practice—and love. (I do wish, though, that “parent” had not been turned into a verb, which I think is the root of the global middle-class phenomenon of “parenting” as one endless, anxious journey of guilt.)
 
Give yourself room to fail. A new mother does not necessarily know how to calm a crying baby. Don’t assume that you should know everything. Read books, look things up on the Internet, ask older parents, or just use trial and error. But above all, let your focus be on remaining a full person. Take time for yourself. Nurture your own needs.
 
Please do not think of it as “doing it all.” Our culture celebrates the idea of women who are able to “do it all” but does not question the premise of that praise. I have no interest in the debate about women “doing it all” because it is a debate that assumes that caregiving and domestic work are singularly female domains, an idea that I strongly reject. Domestic work and caregiving should be gender-neutral, and we should be asking not whether a woman can “do it all” but how best to support parents in their dual duties at work and at home.
“When historians write about feminism in the early 21st century, they may well begin with We Should All Be Feminists, a TED talk Adichie gave in 2012; by the time she published a version as a short book, countless listeners knew her words by heart. This new book is another brief manifesto, and it is easy to imagine her speaking it in the same contralto. Each suggestion starts with an imperative. Some are concrete: ‘Teach Chizalum to read.’ Others are more abstract: ‘Teach her that the idea of “gender roles” is absolute nonsense.’ Embedding us in the intimacy of a friendship, the prose makes reflections that might seem common sense in the abstract feel like discoveries. The form of the letter also enacts what Adichie says is her one fixed beliefs: ‘Feminism is always contextual.’”—Moira Weigel, The New York Times Book Review 

“Wise and inspiring. Adichie, who has a daughter of her own, writes from experience in a voice that’s companionable and open. She addresses critical mother-daughter issues such as sex, clothes and makeup, and she espouses an attitude of self-determination when it comes to marriage and career.  Her parental advice will stand the test of time.” —Julie Hale, Book Page
 
*“Excellent. Adichie shines light on gender issues in modern society through wise advice dispensed with droll wit and deep earnestness. Writing with tender conviction, she explains that to be a feminist, women do not have to give up their femininity. We may choose to be brides, but we should also be taught to be independent; a mother should remain her own person, [not] give up her identity. But it’s not just women learning to navigate the confusing waters of gender identity: Adichie also offers guidance for teaching men how to embrace feminism and reject rigid gender roles, too. VERDICT: A fast read and vital addition to all collections. Anyone interested in social change will enjoy.” —Vanessa Hughes, Library Journal (starred review)

“Raising a next-generation feminist is no small job, but Adichie approaches the task with tenderness in her forthright advice to a friend, Dear Ijeawele. Adichie envisions ways mothers can nurture strong girls, from rejecting traditional gender roles to leading by example (by simply being ‘a full person’). Dear Ijeawele is a volume as fierce and illuminating as bringing up a confident daughter, both with love at their core.” — Jordan Sebastian Bonner, Oprah.com, “2 Books About Being a Woman Everyone Needs to Read”

“Tips on how to raise the next gen to be gender equal. Read it, and then lend it to your friend who just had a kid. It'll take you an hour. And you'll be glad you did.” —­Skimm Reads

“Adichie epitomizes and epistolizes our potential in Dear Ijeawele.” —Sloane Crosely, Vanity Fair 

“Adichie’s suggestions are logical and stated clearly, full of her dry wit, and range from the obvious (‘Do it together’) to the bold (‘Reject likeability’). The more radical suggestions are the ones that encourage mothers to be complete human beings, not merely ‘hosts.’ And as much as this is a book written to mothers of daughters, fathers of daughters would benefit from reading it, too; parents in general would do well to try to raise children who won't have to grow up and read it at all . . . Powerful and life-affirming, offering wisdom for everyone.” —Nia Hampton, The Village Voice
 
“Personal and urgent . . . Adichie is passionate about equality. Her new book offers 15 ways that we can encourage girls to be strong, to plant seeds of feminism. But more than that, Adichie hopes the book will help ‘move us toward a world that is more gender equal.’ Doing so means knocking down ingrained assumptions about how men and women think and behave.” —Nora Krug, The Washington Post
 
“In We Should All Be Feminists, Adichie distilled the essence of feminism into a powerful treatise. Now, in Dear Ijeawele, she goes a step further and covers every feminist topic you can imagine–domestic chores, gendered language, female sexuality, objectification, race, and much more. I am amazed at Adichie’s ability to communicate so effectively and efficiently. If you liked We Should All Be Feminists, you will LOVE Dear Ijeawele.” —Kate Scott, Book Riot, “The Best Books We Read in February”
 
“Wise but funny and thought-provoking.” —Stephanie Topacio Long, Bustle, “The 20 Best Nonfiction Books Coming in March 2017”
 
“Adichie has partly written Dear Ijeawele to reclaim the word feminism from its abusers and misusers. Her advice is not only to provide children with alternatives—to empower boys and girls to understand there is no single way to be—but also to understand that the only universal in this world is difference.  Adichie is a brilliant novelist and a serious thinker, and she is also someone who makes no apology for her own trivial interests. Her understanding of feminism is intertwined with her understanding that we all want to be more than one thing.” —Emma Brockes, The Guardian (UK)
© Manny Jefferson
CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE grew up in Nigeria. Her work has been translated into thirty languages and has appeared in various publications, including The New Yorker, The New York Times, Granta, The O. Henry Prize Stories, Financial Times, and Zoetrope: All-Story. She is the author of the novels Purple Hibiscus, which won the Commonwealth Writers Prize and the Hurston/Wright Legacy Award; Half of a Yellow Sun, which was the recipient of the Women’s Prize for Fiction “Winner of Winners” award; Americanah, which won the National Book Critics Circle Award; the story collection The Thing Around Your Neck; and the essays We Should All Be Feminists and Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions, both national bestsellers. A recipient of a MacArthur Fellowship, she divides her time between the United States and Nigeria. View titles by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

About

New York Times Best Seller
A Skimm Reads Pick
An NPR Best Book of 2017

From the best-selling author of Americanah and We Should All Be Feminists comes a powerful new statement about feminism today--written as a letter to a friend.


A few years ago, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie received a letter from a dear friend from childhood, asking her how to raise her baby girl as a feminist. Dear Ijeawele is Adichie's letter of response.
     Here are fifteen invaluable suggestions--compelling, direct, wryly funny, and perceptive--for how to empower a daughter to become a strong, independent woman. From encouraging her to choose a helicopter, and not only a doll, as a toy if she so desires; having open conversations with her about clothes, makeup, and sexuality; debunking the myth that women are somehow biologically arranged to be in the kitchen making dinner, and that men can "allow" women to have full careers, Dear Ijeawele goes right to the heart of sexual politics in the twenty-first century. It will start a new and urgently needed conversation about what it really means to be a woman today.

Excerpt

Introduction
 
When a couple of years ago a friend of mine from childhood, who’d grown into a brilliant, strong, kind woman, asked me to tell her how to raise her baby girl a feminist, my first thought was that I did not know. It felt like too huge a task. But I had spoken publicly about feminism and perhaps that made her feel I was an expert on the subject. I had over the years also helped care for many babies of loved ones; I had worked as a babysitter and helped raise my nephews and nieces. I had done a lot of watching and listening, and I had done even more thinking.
 
In response to my friend’s request, I decided to write her a letter, which I hoped would be honest and practical, while also serving as a map of sorts for my own feminist thinking. This book is a version of that letter, with some details changed.
 
Now that I, too, am the mother of a delightful baby girl, I realize how easy it is to dispense advice about raising a child when you are not facing the enormously complex reality of it yourself.
 
Still, I think it is morally urgent to have honest conversations about raising children differently, about trying to create a fairer world for women and men.
 
My friend sent me a reply saying she would “try” to follow my suggestions.
 
And in rereading these as a mother, I, too, am determined to try.
 
****
 
Dear Ijeawele,
 
What joy. And what lovely names: Chizalum Adaora. She is so beautiful. Only a week old and she already looks curious about the world. What a magnificent thing you have done, bringing a human being into the world. “Congratulations” feels too slight.
 
Your note made me cry. You know how I get foolishly emotional sometimes. Please know that I take your charge—how to raise her feminist— very seriously. And I understand what you mean by not always knowing what the feminist response to situations should be. For me, feminism is always contextual. I don’t have a set-in-stone rule; the closest I have to a formula are my two “Feminist Tools” and I want to share them with you as a starting point.
 
The first is your premise, the solid unbending belief that you start off with. What is your premise? Your feminist premise should be: I matter. I matter equally. Not “if only.” Not “as long as.” I matter equally. Full stop.
 
The second tool is a question: Can you reverse X and get the same results?
 
For example: Many people believe that a woman’s feminist response to a husband’s infidelity should be to leave. But I think staying can also be a feminist choice, depending on the context. If Chudi sleeps with another woman and you forgive him, would the same be true if you slept with another man? If the answer is yes, then your choosing to forgive him can be a feminist choice because it is not shaped by a gender inequality. Sadly, the reality in most marriages is that the answer to that question would often be no, and the reason would be gender-based—that absurd idea of “men will be men,” which means having a much lower standard for men.
 
I have some suggestions for how to raise Chizalum. But remember that you might do all the things I suggest, and she will still turn out to be different from what you hoped, because sometimes life just does its thing. What matters is that you try. And always trust your instincts above all else, because you will be guided by your love for your child. Here are my suggestions:
 
first suggestion
Be a full person. Motherhood is a glorious gift, - but do not define yourself solely by motherhood. Be a full person. Your child will benefit from that. The pioneering American journalist Marlene Sanders, who was the first woman to report from Vietnam during the war (and who was the mother of a son), once gave this piece of advice to a younger journalist: “Never apologize for working. You love what you do, and loving what you do is a great gift to give your child.”
 
I find this to be so wise and moving. You don’t even have to love your job; you can merely love what your job does for you—the confidence and self-fulfillment that come with doing and earning.
 
It doesn’t surprise me that your sister-in-law says you should be a “traditional” mother and stay home, that Chudi can afford not to have a double-income family.
 
People will selectively use “tradition” to justify anything. Tell her that a double-income family is actually the true Igbo tradition because not only did mothers farm and trade before British colonialism, trading was exclusively done by women in some parts of Igboland. She would know this if reading books were not such an alien enterprise to her. Okay, that snark was to cheer you up. I know you are annoyed— and you should be—but it is really best to ignore her. Everybody will have an opinion about what you should do, but what matters is what you want for yourself, and not what others want you to want. Please reject the idea that motherhood and work are mutually exclusive.
 
Our mothers worked full-time while we were growing up, and we turned out well—at least you did; the jury is still out on me.
 
In these coming weeks of early motherhood, be kind to yourself. Ask for help. Expect to be helped. There is no such thing as a Superwoman. Parenting is about practice—and love. (I do wish, though, that “parent” had not been turned into a verb, which I think is the root of the global middle-class phenomenon of “parenting” as one endless, anxious journey of guilt.)
 
Give yourself room to fail. A new mother does not necessarily know how to calm a crying baby. Don’t assume that you should know everything. Read books, look things up on the Internet, ask older parents, or just use trial and error. But above all, let your focus be on remaining a full person. Take time for yourself. Nurture your own needs.
 
Please do not think of it as “doing it all.” Our culture celebrates the idea of women who are able to “do it all” but does not question the premise of that praise. I have no interest in the debate about women “doing it all” because it is a debate that assumes that caregiving and domestic work are singularly female domains, an idea that I strongly reject. Domestic work and caregiving should be gender-neutral, and we should be asking not whether a woman can “do it all” but how best to support parents in their dual duties at work and at home.

Praise

“When historians write about feminism in the early 21st century, they may well begin with We Should All Be Feminists, a TED talk Adichie gave in 2012; by the time she published a version as a short book, countless listeners knew her words by heart. This new book is another brief manifesto, and it is easy to imagine her speaking it in the same contralto. Each suggestion starts with an imperative. Some are concrete: ‘Teach Chizalum to read.’ Others are more abstract: ‘Teach her that the idea of “gender roles” is absolute nonsense.’ Embedding us in the intimacy of a friendship, the prose makes reflections that might seem common sense in the abstract feel like discoveries. The form of the letter also enacts what Adichie says is her one fixed beliefs: ‘Feminism is always contextual.’”—Moira Weigel, The New York Times Book Review 

“Wise and inspiring. Adichie, who has a daughter of her own, writes from experience in a voice that’s companionable and open. She addresses critical mother-daughter issues such as sex, clothes and makeup, and she espouses an attitude of self-determination when it comes to marriage and career.  Her parental advice will stand the test of time.” —Julie Hale, Book Page
 
*“Excellent. Adichie shines light on gender issues in modern society through wise advice dispensed with droll wit and deep earnestness. Writing with tender conviction, she explains that to be a feminist, women do not have to give up their femininity. We may choose to be brides, but we should also be taught to be independent; a mother should remain her own person, [not] give up her identity. But it’s not just women learning to navigate the confusing waters of gender identity: Adichie also offers guidance for teaching men how to embrace feminism and reject rigid gender roles, too. VERDICT: A fast read and vital addition to all collections. Anyone interested in social change will enjoy.” —Vanessa Hughes, Library Journal (starred review)

“Raising a next-generation feminist is no small job, but Adichie approaches the task with tenderness in her forthright advice to a friend, Dear Ijeawele. Adichie envisions ways mothers can nurture strong girls, from rejecting traditional gender roles to leading by example (by simply being ‘a full person’). Dear Ijeawele is a volume as fierce and illuminating as bringing up a confident daughter, both with love at their core.” — Jordan Sebastian Bonner, Oprah.com, “2 Books About Being a Woman Everyone Needs to Read”

“Tips on how to raise the next gen to be gender equal. Read it, and then lend it to your friend who just had a kid. It'll take you an hour. And you'll be glad you did.” —­Skimm Reads

“Adichie epitomizes and epistolizes our potential in Dear Ijeawele.” —Sloane Crosely, Vanity Fair 

“Adichie’s suggestions are logical and stated clearly, full of her dry wit, and range from the obvious (‘Do it together’) to the bold (‘Reject likeability’). The more radical suggestions are the ones that encourage mothers to be complete human beings, not merely ‘hosts.’ And as much as this is a book written to mothers of daughters, fathers of daughters would benefit from reading it, too; parents in general would do well to try to raise children who won't have to grow up and read it at all . . . Powerful and life-affirming, offering wisdom for everyone.” —Nia Hampton, The Village Voice
 
“Personal and urgent . . . Adichie is passionate about equality. Her new book offers 15 ways that we can encourage girls to be strong, to plant seeds of feminism. But more than that, Adichie hopes the book will help ‘move us toward a world that is more gender equal.’ Doing so means knocking down ingrained assumptions about how men and women think and behave.” —Nora Krug, The Washington Post
 
“In We Should All Be Feminists, Adichie distilled the essence of feminism into a powerful treatise. Now, in Dear Ijeawele, she goes a step further and covers every feminist topic you can imagine–domestic chores, gendered language, female sexuality, objectification, race, and much more. I am amazed at Adichie’s ability to communicate so effectively and efficiently. If you liked We Should All Be Feminists, you will LOVE Dear Ijeawele.” —Kate Scott, Book Riot, “The Best Books We Read in February”
 
“Wise but funny and thought-provoking.” —Stephanie Topacio Long, Bustle, “The 20 Best Nonfiction Books Coming in March 2017”
 
“Adichie has partly written Dear Ijeawele to reclaim the word feminism from its abusers and misusers. Her advice is not only to provide children with alternatives—to empower boys and girls to understand there is no single way to be—but also to understand that the only universal in this world is difference.  Adichie is a brilliant novelist and a serious thinker, and she is also someone who makes no apology for her own trivial interests. Her understanding of feminism is intertwined with her understanding that we all want to be more than one thing.” —Emma Brockes, The Guardian (UK)

Author

© Manny Jefferson
CHIMAMANDA NGOZI ADICHIE grew up in Nigeria. Her work has been translated into thirty languages and has appeared in various publications, including The New Yorker, The New York Times, Granta, The O. Henry Prize Stories, Financial Times, and Zoetrope: All-Story. She is the author of the novels Purple Hibiscus, which won the Commonwealth Writers Prize and the Hurston/Wright Legacy Award; Half of a Yellow Sun, which was the recipient of the Women’s Prize for Fiction “Winner of Winners” award; Americanah, which won the National Book Critics Circle Award; the story collection The Thing Around Your Neck; and the essays We Should All Be Feminists and Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions, both national bestsellers. A recipient of a MacArthur Fellowship, she divides her time between the United States and Nigeria. View titles by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie