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Why Are We Yelling?

The Art of Productive Disagreement

Author Buster Benson
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Hardcover
$27.00 US
Penguin Adult HC/TR | Portfolio
On sale Nov 19, 2019 | 288 Pages | 978-0-525-54010-6
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Have you ever walked away from an argument and suddenly thought of all the brilliant things you wish you'd said? Do you avoid certain family members and colleagues because of bitter, festering tension that you can't figure out how to address?

Now, finally, there's a solution: a new framework that frees you from the trap of unproductive conflict and pointless arguing forever.

If the threat of raised voices, emotional outbursts, and public discord makes you want to hide under the conference room table, you're not alone. Conflict, or the fear of it, can be exhausting. But as this powerful book argues, conflict doesn't have to be unpleasant. In fact, properly channeled, conflict can be the most valuable tool we have at our disposal for deepening relationships, solving problems, and coming up with new ideas.

As the mastermind behind some of the highest-performing teams at Amazon, Twitter, and Slack, Buster Benson spent decades facilitating hard conversations in stressful environments. In this book, Buster reveals the psychological underpinnings of awkward, unproductive conflict and the critical habits anyone can learn to avoid it. Armed with a deeper understanding of how arguments, you'll be able to:

  • Remain confident when you're put on the spot
  • Diffuse tense moments with a few strategic questions
  • Facilitate creative solutions even when your team has radically different perspectives

    • Why Are We Yelling will shatter your assumptions about what makes arguments productive. You'll find yourself having fewer repetitive, predictable fights once you're empowered to identify your biases, listen with an open mind, and communicate well.
    THE REALMS OF THE HEAD, HEART, AND HANDS

    The easiest thing you can do to have more productive disagree­ments immediately is to remember to ask the other person: “Is this about what’s true, what’s meaningful, or what’s useful?” Is this about the head, the heart, or the hands? If you can agree on the answer, then you’re on your way.

    When we’re having a disagreement with someone, it’s really useful to pay attention to which of the three realms we’re experiencing. The three realms are: anxiety about what is true (the head realm of information and science), anxiety about what is meaningful (the heart realm of preferences and values), and anxiety about what is useful (the hands realm of practicality and planning). Each of them represents a part of reality that has its own rules for validation and different implications in a conversation. What works to resolve a disagreement in one realm will not work in the other two.

    Head realm: what is true?
    When a disagreement can be settled with information, we will call it a conflict of head, because it’s about data and evidence that can be objectively verified as true or false out in the world. It is often concerned with the “what” of a situation.
     
    Example: Two people have an argument about who gets to spend more time watching shows that they like versus shows that the other person likes. The resolution to this disagreement is mea­sured in hours, with some bias toward recent days.

    Heart realm: what is meaningful?
    When a disagreement can be settled only as a matter of personal taste, we’ll call it a conflict of heart, because it’s about preferences and values and judgment calls that can be determined only within oneself. It is often concerned with the “why” of a situation.

    Example: Two people have an argument about whether a partic­ular show is worth watching. The resolution to this disagreement is measured by personal taste, ability to relate, appreciation for dif­ferent kinds of narratives.

    Hands realm: what is useful?
    When a disagreement can only be settled with some form of test, or by waiting to see how things play out in the future, we’ll call that a conflict of hands. It is often concerned with the “how” of a situation.

    Example: Two people have an argument about the best way to balance TV time that takes into consideration differences in prefer­ences, differences in show schedules, and differences in personal schedules to be agreeable to both parties. The resolution to this dis­agreement is measured by its utility in the relationship over time.

    What if it’s all of the above?
    Disagreements always have at least one of these conflicts going on, but some will have a blend of two or all three. When that happens, asking “What is this about?” can help us separate these different arguments and then agree on which one should be addressed first.
    Copyright © 2019 by Buster Benson. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
    "This is a life-changing book. Read it three times and then give a copy to anyone you care about. It will make things better."
    --Seth Godin, author of This is Marketing

    “This clever, empowering book shows how conflict can be a source of growth, intrigue, and joy. Buster Benson unveils a new framework for arguing that helps you understand your biases and show other people theirs in a non-confrontational way. This is the perfect book at the perfect time to bring some sanity back into disagreements.”
    --Annie Duke, author of Thinking in Bets

    "Buster Benson turns everything you know about arguing on its head. Before reading this book, I never thought I’d be looking forward to my next disagreement. Productive disagreeing is the most underrated life skill you can build."
    --Ev Williams, CEO of Medium, partner at Obvious Ventures, co-founder of Twitter

    "What could be more useful in improving human relationships than learning how to disagree productively?  In this lively, accessible, and practical guide, Buster Benson offers us eight valuable principles for turning rude arguments or suppressed differences into dynamic conversations that illuminate, connect, and yield better results for all. With Benson's help, let the arguing begin!” 
    --William Ury, co-author of Getting to Yes and author of Getting to Yes with Yourself

    "Conflict can be ugly. But if you follow the precepts of Buster Benson, you’ll discover that it’s also inevitable, necessary, and even helpful. Why Are We Yelling? provides a taxonomy of disagreement — explaining how arguments arise, how to handle them, and how to resolve them. Nobody can completely avoid conflict, but everybody can learn how to argue better and more productively with this provocative book.” 
    --Daniel H. Pink, author of When and To Sell Is Human

    “I’m a sucker for frameworks, and this is one of the greats. You'll learn to turn the messy, frustrating, emotional experience of arguing into a fine art. You'll watch the quality of your collaborations—and your ideas—go through the roof.”
    --Nir Eyal, bestselling author of Hooked and Insdistractable
     
    "In today’s polarized climate, 'productive disagreement' often feels like an oxymoron. Benson brilliantly challenges this idea, offering a thoughtful guidebook on how to lower our voices, tolerate tension, and have the constructive dialogue our world needs." 
    --General Stanley McChrystal, author of Leaders and Team of Teams

    “Sometimes it feels like the only way to have a constructive argument is to clone yourself or master the art of mind control.  But it turns out all you need is Buster Benson.  His methods are instantly actionable, his writing is funny and relatable, and his book is the ideal companion to Difficult Conversations.”
    --Adam Grant, author of Originals and Give and Take, and host of the TED podcast WorkLife

    “Reading Why Are We Yelling? is like having your most calm, level-headed friend explain how you might diffuse a tense situation in your life and work. I especially recommend this book to anyone who has ever tried to ‘win’ an argument only to end up frustrated with the results.”
    --Jason Shellen, co-founder of Google Reader, Boxer, and Brizzly; co-founder of Fable

    “With provocative ideas—and the brain science to back them up—Why Are We Yelling? offers fresh approaches to conflict and connection.”
    --Sarah Milstein, author of The Twitter Book
    Buster Benson is an entrepreneur and a former product leader at Amazon, Twitter, Slack, and Patreon. He's now CEO of 750words.com and writes for Medium and busterbenson.com. This is his first book. View titles by Buster Benson

    About

    Have you ever walked away from an argument and suddenly thought of all the brilliant things you wish you'd said? Do you avoid certain family members and colleagues because of bitter, festering tension that you can't figure out how to address?

    Now, finally, there's a solution: a new framework that frees you from the trap of unproductive conflict and pointless arguing forever.

    If the threat of raised voices, emotional outbursts, and public discord makes you want to hide under the conference room table, you're not alone. Conflict, or the fear of it, can be exhausting. But as this powerful book argues, conflict doesn't have to be unpleasant. In fact, properly channeled, conflict can be the most valuable tool we have at our disposal for deepening relationships, solving problems, and coming up with new ideas.

    As the mastermind behind some of the highest-performing teams at Amazon, Twitter, and Slack, Buster Benson spent decades facilitating hard conversations in stressful environments. In this book, Buster reveals the psychological underpinnings of awkward, unproductive conflict and the critical habits anyone can learn to avoid it. Armed with a deeper understanding of how arguments, you'll be able to:

  • Remain confident when you're put on the spot
  • Diffuse tense moments with a few strategic questions
  • Facilitate creative solutions even when your team has radically different perspectives

    • Why Are We Yelling will shatter your assumptions about what makes arguments productive. You'll find yourself having fewer repetitive, predictable fights once you're empowered to identify your biases, listen with an open mind, and communicate well.

    Excerpt

    THE REALMS OF THE HEAD, HEART, AND HANDS

    The easiest thing you can do to have more productive disagree­ments immediately is to remember to ask the other person: “Is this about what’s true, what’s meaningful, or what’s useful?” Is this about the head, the heart, or the hands? If you can agree on the answer, then you’re on your way.

    When we’re having a disagreement with someone, it’s really useful to pay attention to which of the three realms we’re experiencing. The three realms are: anxiety about what is true (the head realm of information and science), anxiety about what is meaningful (the heart realm of preferences and values), and anxiety about what is useful (the hands realm of practicality and planning). Each of them represents a part of reality that has its own rules for validation and different implications in a conversation. What works to resolve a disagreement in one realm will not work in the other two.

    Head realm: what is true?
    When a disagreement can be settled with information, we will call it a conflict of head, because it’s about data and evidence that can be objectively verified as true or false out in the world. It is often concerned with the “what” of a situation.
     
    Example: Two people have an argument about who gets to spend more time watching shows that they like versus shows that the other person likes. The resolution to this disagreement is mea­sured in hours, with some bias toward recent days.

    Heart realm: what is meaningful?
    When a disagreement can be settled only as a matter of personal taste, we’ll call it a conflict of heart, because it’s about preferences and values and judgment calls that can be determined only within oneself. It is often concerned with the “why” of a situation.

    Example: Two people have an argument about whether a partic­ular show is worth watching. The resolution to this disagreement is measured by personal taste, ability to relate, appreciation for dif­ferent kinds of narratives.

    Hands realm: what is useful?
    When a disagreement can only be settled with some form of test, or by waiting to see how things play out in the future, we’ll call that a conflict of hands. It is often concerned with the “how” of a situation.

    Example: Two people have an argument about the best way to balance TV time that takes into consideration differences in prefer­ences, differences in show schedules, and differences in personal schedules to be agreeable to both parties. The resolution to this dis­agreement is measured by its utility in the relationship over time.

    What if it’s all of the above?
    Disagreements always have at least one of these conflicts going on, but some will have a blend of two or all three. When that happens, asking “What is this about?” can help us separate these different arguments and then agree on which one should be addressed first.
    Copyright © 2019 by Buster Benson. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

    Praise

    "This is a life-changing book. Read it three times and then give a copy to anyone you care about. It will make things better."
    --Seth Godin, author of This is Marketing

    “This clever, empowering book shows how conflict can be a source of growth, intrigue, and joy. Buster Benson unveils a new framework for arguing that helps you understand your biases and show other people theirs in a non-confrontational way. This is the perfect book at the perfect time to bring some sanity back into disagreements.”
    --Annie Duke, author of Thinking in Bets

    "Buster Benson turns everything you know about arguing on its head. Before reading this book, I never thought I’d be looking forward to my next disagreement. Productive disagreeing is the most underrated life skill you can build."
    --Ev Williams, CEO of Medium, partner at Obvious Ventures, co-founder of Twitter

    "What could be more useful in improving human relationships than learning how to disagree productively?  In this lively, accessible, and practical guide, Buster Benson offers us eight valuable principles for turning rude arguments or suppressed differences into dynamic conversations that illuminate, connect, and yield better results for all. With Benson's help, let the arguing begin!” 
    --William Ury, co-author of Getting to Yes and author of Getting to Yes with Yourself

    "Conflict can be ugly. But if you follow the precepts of Buster Benson, you’ll discover that it’s also inevitable, necessary, and even helpful. Why Are We Yelling? provides a taxonomy of disagreement — explaining how arguments arise, how to handle them, and how to resolve them. Nobody can completely avoid conflict, but everybody can learn how to argue better and more productively with this provocative book.” 
    --Daniel H. Pink, author of When and To Sell Is Human

    “I’m a sucker for frameworks, and this is one of the greats. You'll learn to turn the messy, frustrating, emotional experience of arguing into a fine art. You'll watch the quality of your collaborations—and your ideas—go through the roof.”
    --Nir Eyal, bestselling author of Hooked and Insdistractable
     
    "In today’s polarized climate, 'productive disagreement' often feels like an oxymoron. Benson brilliantly challenges this idea, offering a thoughtful guidebook on how to lower our voices, tolerate tension, and have the constructive dialogue our world needs." 
    --General Stanley McChrystal, author of Leaders and Team of Teams

    “Sometimes it feels like the only way to have a constructive argument is to clone yourself or master the art of mind control.  But it turns out all you need is Buster Benson.  His methods are instantly actionable, his writing is funny and relatable, and his book is the ideal companion to Difficult Conversations.”
    --Adam Grant, author of Originals and Give and Take, and host of the TED podcast WorkLife

    “Reading Why Are We Yelling? is like having your most calm, level-headed friend explain how you might diffuse a tense situation in your life and work. I especially recommend this book to anyone who has ever tried to ‘win’ an argument only to end up frustrated with the results.”
    --Jason Shellen, co-founder of Google Reader, Boxer, and Brizzly; co-founder of Fable

    “With provocative ideas—and the brain science to back them up—Why Are We Yelling? offers fresh approaches to conflict and connection.”
    --Sarah Milstein, author of The Twitter Book

    Author

    Buster Benson is an entrepreneur and a former product leader at Amazon, Twitter, Slack, and Patreon. He's now CEO of 750words.com and writes for Medium and busterbenson.com. This is his first book. View titles by Buster Benson

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